Good. Glad to have you. The hardest part of any new journey,
project, or undertaking is getting started. First, let's consider
what brings you to this point.
Infertility
Issues
For most of us, we begin thinking about adoption because
something isn't happening biologically. Maybe you or your spouse
hasn't been able to get pregnant at all -- on your own or with
infertility treatments. Perhaps you've had one too many miscarriages
(We began seriously thinking about adoption after my 3rd
miscarriage.)
Whatever your reasons are, this is a time to be very, very
honest. Start by asking yourselves some tough questions:
- Are we ready to stop "trying" so that we can begin to explore
other options with open minds and hearts?
- How strongly do we feel about parenting a child who is not
genetically "our own?"
- How strongly do we feel about parenting a child with racial or
cultural differences?
- Do we have any preconceived notions about adoption and adopted
persons?
- Do we know any adopted people? Are there adopted relatives in
our families?
- Do we believe adoption, at best, is a second-best alternative
to having a family?
There are many, many more questions that you should ask. Take
your time to answer them. There's no rush.
Grieve a little (or a lot) for set-aside dreams. Discover for
yourselves where you're "at" and go from there. You can still
explore the adoption option while you're trying to figure it all
out. In time you'll know where you stand and where you want to go.
I think it's important to note that not all individuals and families
choose adoption because of infertility. Many make adoption their
first choice above all others. (I had always wanted to give birth
and parent two children. Afterwards, if my husband and I decided to
have another child, adoption would have been our first choice.)
Information Gathering
Okay, you're ready to take the next step.
Uh, now what?
Exactly. Where do you start? My first phone call was to a
business friend of mine who, after years of unsuccessful infertility
treatments, adopted twin boys. She gave me the names of a few local
adoption agencies and perhaps the most important piece of advice I
could have received.
TAKE AN ADOPTION COURSE!
They have adoption courses? Indeed they do! And it was, without a
doubt, the best possible next step we could have made.
These "Introduction to Adoption" courses offer a valuable
opportunity to learn (1) if adoption is right for you and (2) what
kind of adoption is right for you. Ours was conducted by a
Baltimore/Washington area organization called
Families Adopting
Children Everywhere (FACE).
This multi-hour course covered a lot of ground in a single week.
Our course leader and his various speakers walked us through private
adoption, open adoption, domestic adoption, international adoption,
and special needs adoptions. We heard from adoption agency
representatives, adoption attorneys, adoptive families with their
children, and adult adoptees. We discussed the pros and cons of each
option.
The "sales pitches" were limited. Mostly, it helped to solidify
our decision to move forward with adoption in general. We then
decided adopting internationally from Korea offered us the best fit
with our family. More on that later.
There are many organizations who offer these kinds of courses,
including many local and regional chapters of
Resolve, the national
organization devoted to infertility issues and concerns. Many
adoption agencies also offer Open Houses and other informal
opportunities to come in and ask questions at no charge. Take
advantage of them!
Developed
by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, A Child is Waiting: A
Beginner's Guide to Adoption contains a
step-by-step process of adoption as well as various resources to
help your potential adoptive parents get some basic questions
answered.
Click
here to download a PDF file of the guide. You will need
Adobe Acrobat Reader to view the PDF file format. Click
here to download a copy of the application
Some
General Adoption Websites Worth Exploring
Here's a sampling of some adoption sites to get you started.
There are many more. But these large and small sites offer a ton of
information and are an excellent place to start Some are commercial,
others are nonprofit and/or volunteer run. Take a look around,
follow the links where they take you. You'll learn a little more
with each visit. Remember, you're not in a hurry to make a decision.
You're still looking for information.
USCIS -
Inter-Country
Adoption - overview and summary of the process
Canadian sites of interest
Australian sites of interest:
There are hundreds of egroups, large and
small, devoted to adoption issues. See
www.yahoogroups.com for the
largest, one-stop directory of active groups.
Is
adoption the right thing to do?
The short answer is yes, but the degrees of "yes" are different.
I believe that adoption is about finding loving, nurturing homes for
children who need them. It shouldn't be about supplying children to
families. Having said that, it's important to remember that children
become available to be adopted because of the loss of birth parents.
Whether it's by voluntary relinquishment, abandonment, or having
parental rights forcibly terminated - adoption, at its core, is
about loss of immediate families and birth ties.
Here is my stratified hierarchy of adoption and measured loss.
This is what I personally believe:
- Children should be parented by the people who bring them
into the world
- If that isn't possible, children should be parented
by their extended birth family
- If that isn't possible, children should be adopted by
families who share similar racial/cultural/ethnic backgrounds in
their own community/country
- If that isn't possible, children should be adopted by
families who live in the child's birth country
- If that isn't possible, children should be adopted by
families who share similar racial/cultural/ethnic backgrounds
outside the child's birth country
- And when that isn't possible, children should be
adopted by families who will love them, care for them, and
respect, acknowledge, and embrace their child's birth culture.
What's most important, of course, is that all children are loved
and cared for. But for those of us who chose to adopt across the
color AND cultural lines, we then accept another set of
responsibilities beyond simple parenting. If you decide to adopt
from Korea, you'll read more about issues of race and adoption,
cultural issues, and more in this website. And yes, it's very
important.
Adoption isn't (or shouldn't be, to my thinking) an act of
charity. At its core, it's a decision to parent. If you come
to consider adoption for any other reason, I would encourage you to
consider other ways to "do the right thing", including child
sponsorship, family subsidies and support, etc.
After the research and reading, course
attending and soul-searching, my husband and I chose to adopt
internationally. Next stop, making the decision to go with the
Korea adoption program.
